It’s so easy for me to get distracted and forget to look for the magic.
Work has been bonkers. People are leaning on me really hard for stuff and I find it impossible to say no. (I’m working on it.) Consequently there just aren’t enough hours in the day.
I planned to stay up all night on Wednesday to finish (maybe?) a project that was due that day, but the internet went out at 3:00 am. Pretty fatal for a web developer (at least while working on a live site).
John was relieved because I’d been pushing for two weeks and he could see I needed rest. But I couldn’t sleep. I was too hyped up on stimulants (which I consumed because I thought I would be staying up all night and the whole next day).
At 7 am, the internet was still out. So I went to Sheetz, which has a quiet eating area with power outlets, free wifi and good coffee. I was miserable. I just wanted to go home. But I kept getting texts and emails from clients asking for updates. And then the lunch rush started and my anxiety kicked into overdrive, and I found myself desperately texting John. “IS THE INTERNET ON YET? PLEASE ANSWER ME.”
Guys, Thursday was the closest I’ve come to having a nervous breakdown, and I’ve come close before.
It took me two days to come down from the caffeine high. During that time it slowly dawned on me (again) that this is my life. It doesn’t belong to anyone else, least of all clients. I have to learn to say no, or at least “not now.”
This morning I remembered to look for the magic. The voice was turned up to 11 the entire time (YOU SHOULD BE WORKING!) but I looked for the magic anyway.
First I knitted a few rows in John’s scarf, but that seemed daunting because it’ll be quite a while before I finish. So I put down the knitting and gathered up the ingredients for pesto.
I had been thinking about making pesto because a) I love pesto and b) we have an enormous basil plant outside. I love basil and put it on lots of things, but I wasn’t making a dent in the plant.
Until recently, when I wanted pesto, I reached for a jar we got from Costco. The problem is we are out of Costco pesto and we can’t go to Costco without spending $400, which is about $350 more than I have right now (despite all the working). When I realized that making my own pesto meant we could actually have pesto without anyone going to Costco, I was sold.
Anyway, we had most of the stuff. Just a quick trip to Walmart for pine nuts and fresh parmesan, and…
The magic of this little jar of pesto isn’t in the home-grown basil or the easy recipe. It’s in the way it made me feel when I made it. Calm, secure, and fundamentally okay.
I don’t know how it works, but it works.